Football Funnies November 1st-12th 2000 and Ten...

Football Fortnight of Funnies
November 1st-13th 2000 and Ten...
 
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Man United 2 Tottenham Hotspur 0
Harry Redknapp had threatened to stop speaking to the media if he's fined for his outburst at referee Mark Clattenburg for Nani's controversial second goal.
Happy Harry lost for words?? I'm temporarily lost for words myself about that.



Tottenham 3 Inter Milan 1

Another inspired performance from Gareth Bale saw Spurs turn the European Champions into the 'Chumpions'.
If only Rafa Benitez had concentrated on putting a dossier together on Bale instead of Roy Hodgeson, he might have got something from this game...



Bolton 4 Tottenham Hotspur 2
Tottenham were brought down to earth by Kevin Davies and co in their return to premier league football
I thought the Lord Mayors Show was THIS Saturday (13th) in London, not last week at the Reebok??


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Shakhtar Donuts 2 Arsenal 1
Arsene Wenger has appealed the result as both goals were scored by Arsenal connections  - an own goal by Craig Eastmond and former Highbury hero Edu.


ARSENE PLAYING AWAY IN EUROPE
Weekend newspapers were full of stories about the Arsenal manager romancing a younger woman in France
Wenger refused to comment on the story, the reason being he didn't see the article's...



ARSENAL 0 NEWCASTLE 1
Newcastle gained revenge for their recent 4-0 defeat in the Carling Cup with this win at the Emirates.
Newcastle won in London?? The same Newcastle that lost 6-1 at Brisbane Road recently??...

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CHELSEA 4 BAYERN MUNICH 0
This reserve team match was notable for assistant manager Ray Wilkins being SACKED at half-time...
HALF TIME?? Have Chelsea taken John Sitton on as coaching consultant??

Frankly Speaking
Frank Lampard is expected to be out for another two weeks after initially hoping to be back against Liverpool.
He's not actually fit, but he might return earlier, just to get out of the house and listening to Christine Bleakley going on about how bad the DAYBREAK viewing figures are...


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Wolves 2 Man City 1
Kolo Toure - £220,000 a week and he's allowed to go home at half-time to beat the traffic -
imagine his salary if he stayed for the whole game.

Reinforcements Needed At Anfield
Now the ownership problems are resolved, manager Roy Hodgeson needs to sign some strikers to give him back up, rather than playing Babel and Kuyt out of position.
What are Robbie Fowler and Ian Rush upto nowadays? (don't mention Emile Heskey or Michael Ow..)


BRUM DERBY DEAL
An Aston Villa fan was thrown out of the game v Birmingham for heading the ball back into play.
THROWN OUT?! On current form Gerrard Houllier should have put him in the first team (instead of Emile Heskey?)

EDGAR AND OUT
Edgar Davids has left Crystal Palace after featuring in just 7 games since joining the South Londoners.
He obviously wasn't looking forward to playing in League One next season...
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AND FINALLY - Thought Of The Day...
It's time to bite the bullet, we already lost the services of Ryan Giggs, if we merge the England and Wales football team like we have done with the cricket, then we get Gareth Bale wearing the THREE LIONS (or Dragons, as long as he's on our side)

Enjoy the Game
Trigger
x

The Managerial Merry-go-round Feb 14th 2009

** Putting *** the *** ffff... fun *** into *** Football ***


Thought of the day...
Will the Chelsea manager job be the best paid part time job ever?
(I never saw that one on Gumtree...)

Guus Hiddink gets the gig, through his Russian contacts, but won't start the job this week. This gives the laundry woman an extra week to find and wash Glenn Hoddle's old Chelsea 'GH' tracksuit.
Gerard Houllier must be gutted his application was lost in the post by widcat striking British postman...

The Premier League managers went out two by two...
September: Alan Curbishley (WHU) Kevin Keegan (Noocastle)
October: Juan Ramos (Spurs) , Harry Redknapp (Portsmouth)
December: Roy Keane (Sunderland) Paul Ince (Blackburn)
February: Tony Adams (Portsmouth) Felipe (Chelski)

SueOne
Just as well Felipe Scolari is getting a pay-off from Chelsea in the region of £6-7 million after just seven months in charge.
He wont feel the need to sue Mike Riley, the ref who sent off Frank Lampard and left Chelsea with 10 men against close rivals Liverpool who went on to win with two late late goals.

Odd Odds
Avram Grant was in the fairly unique situation on Monday of being favourite for both Chelsea and Pompey jobs at one point. Now Portsmouth is his only choice, unless Sven nicks it.
I hear Grant was nicknamed BBC during his previous spell on the coast, not because he casually insulted black tennis players in the green room, but for his training methods of 'Balls, Bibs and Cones'

Licence To Shrill
Carlos Tevez had his car siezed by police on the M60 in Manchester at the weekend after they found he doesn't possess a full UK driving licence.
Tevez claimed that he drives on the licence of Kia Joorabchian who owns his soul, but police weren't having it.


Russian It Through Before The Deadline
Question marks over the time the Andre Arshavin transfer from Zenit St Petersburg to Arsenal was finalised.
Arsene Wenger has said he did not see the clock/incident.


Sue Two
Kevin Keegan is to sue Newcastle for £9 million after his dismissal as manager.
Blimey, his speeding ticket in Carlisle last week was only £750.

They Think It's All fff...football - February 1st 2009

*** Putting *** the *** ffff... fun *** into *** Football ***

February 1^st 2009

Looks like David Beckham's manager/agent Terry Byrne will be heading a consortium to buy Leyton Orient, Goldenballs local club when growing up in Chingford.

Beckham has been in the news already this week with speculation over whether he will return from AC Milan to his $250 million dollar contract at LA Galaxy.

O's Fans (me included) have been hoping for years how we could do with a chairman with realistically 10% of what David Beckham is worth. Now it appears that's exactly what could happen.

Big Talk last weekend was the fact that Robbie Keane never went to the
Liverpool v Everton match after hearing he wasn't in the team. 

Don't worry – he was just picking up Robinho from the airport...  

Fairly Dull Football Fact... 

James Milner has scored at The Stadium of Light for his last three clubs,
Leeds, Newcastle and Aston Villa.   

Credit Crunch News 
Harry Redmouths house in the Sandbanks has lost approximately £2 million in value  because of the credit crunch. 

If things were to get any worse and our favourite Eastend football manager were to be made homeless, Harry should move in with the striker he has spent £24 million on in the last year. Jerman Defoe has increased in value from £9 million to £15 million in 12 months.

Thought of The Day

If Spurs re-sign Robbie Keane and Sol Campbell, to play alongside Jerman Defoe and Pascal Chimbonda, will they change their name to Friends Re-United?   

Fwd: They Think It's All Football January 24th 2009

*** Putting *** the *** ffff... fun *** into *** Football ***


Urgent Help needed:
If you find Robinho, please send him back to Manchester (or Brazil or Chelsea)

Money Money Money
Kaka's current deal with AC Milan gives him a guaranteed million pound pay-rise a year for the duration of his contract.
With Man City sniffing around, they'll have to offer him a million pay rise every six weeks...

So Man City wanted Kaka and got Craig Bellamy.
Now that's what I call being affected by the credit crunch.


Thought(s) of The Day?
If Man City go bankrupt will the Government bail them out?
Was the Kaka transfer a smoke screen so City fans didn't complain about the signing of Craig Bellamy?

It's not realistic for City to expect Kaka to sign, even for £100 Million.
For about £200,000 they might just get Ulrikakakaka, and the good news is she's already been scouted(sic) by their previous manager Sven...


Now the player the clubs with the cash are after is Wilson Picket from Wigan.
Harry Redknapp has the sweetest feeling about him.

The Carling Cup...
After Spurs 4-1 win at White Hart Lane in the first leg of the Carling Cup semi-final, Harry Redknapp said if we can't go there (ie a Championship side) and defend a 3 goal lead there is something wrong with this club.
Full Time score Burnley 3 Tottenham Hotspur 0 (Spurs scored two late goals in extra time)
I wonder if Harry will be learning Spanish and checking the Madrid job centre vacancies in the near future...


More Lilywhite Woe...
After Spurs 1-1 draw with Portsmouth Harry Redknapp said his wife Sandra could have scored the chance that Darren Bent missed. After Spurs 3-2 defeat after extra time at Burnley (salvaged from 0-3 down with 3 minutes of extra time left) a text to 606 on 5live stated
"My wife Sandra could manage that team better than Harry Redknapp - And that text is from D.Bent"


Only Tottenham... could win the first leg of a semi-final at home 4-1 (half-way in the tie) and go to a championship side and lose 3-0 and face going out on away goals, before scoring 2 goals in the last two minutes of extra-time.

Only Tottenham... could play Kevin Keegan's Man City in the FA Cup at White Hart Lane, be leading 3-0 at half-time (King 2 Keane 19 Ziege 43)
and lose 3-4 (Distin 48 Bosvelt 61 Wright-Philips 80 Macken 90) at full-time.

Only Tottenham... could play Manchester United in a league match at White Hart Lane, lead 3-0 at half-time, (Richards 15, Ferdinand 25 Ziege 45)
and lose 3-5 (Cole 46 Blanc 58 Van Nistleroy 72 Veron 76 Beckham 87) at full time
It's not new players Spurs need. It's new scriptwriters...


Thought of The Day
Do Tottenham always lose when Christian Ziege puts them 3-0 up?
Do any fans leave early when Tottenham go 3-0 up on a team from Lancashire?


So the first silverware of the domestic season will be won (and lost) with the Carling Cup Final at Wembley on March 1st between Holders Tottenham and Man United...
Any chance Spurs reserve goalkeeper Ben Alnwick (his first game for Spurs this season after a loan spell at Carlisle) will keep his place for the final?

Transfer Window Special

*** Putting *** the *** ffff... fun *** into *** Football ***

Manchester City (that's the one in blue) are prepared to pay £100 million for Brazillian ace Kaka.
Couldn't they buy the whole of Brazil for £100 million?

Spurs have resigned Jermaine Defoe, paying £15 million for him, a year
after selling him for £9 million.
Expect Robbie Keane to arrive back at the Lane in July for £26 million...

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has attempted to pull off the transfer window coup of the season, with the signing of daughter-in-law Louise Redknapp.
Canny Harry reckons the former FHM Sexiest Women In The World Winner taking to the pitch every fortnight (mainly sundays) is the only way spurs will fill their new 60,000 planned seater stadium every week.

Tottenham have also been linked with a move for Stewart Downing for 15 million from Middlesbrough.
Down down deeper and down... (Bent, Bentley and Bendtner??)

According to the sun newspaper Rochdale are the first club in the UK to serve kebab inside the ground.
The club denied speculation they will be attempting to sign Colin Kazim Richards, Tugay and Tuncay, (from Fenerbahce, Blackburn and Middlesbrough) in the transfer window...

Contract talks between Manchester United and Carlos Tevez have turned ugly...
No, hang on a minute, that's just a photo of Carlos Tevez...


Jermaine Pennant has priced himself out of a dream move to Real Madrid by asking for too much wages...
Perhaps he was concerned his ankle tag wouldn't work in Spain...


Thought of the Day
If Tony Adams gets the sack at Portsmouth, will he have more time to help Gazza kick the booze?

Fug on the tyne...
Shay Givens solicitor says the Newcastle goalkeeper would like to move to a different club.
Joe Kinnear says this is not true.
Actually Joe Kinnear is thinking f*****g B*****d c**t. **** **** a**o b*****ks

They Think It's all Fffffootball... December

*** Putting *** the *** ffff... fun *** into *** Football ***


Can We Play Real Every Week?Celtic manager Gordon Strachan explained the reason for breaking their
european duck with a win over Villareal.
"It was the yellow kit, we thought we were playing East Fife in the
Scottish Cup"


Michael Owen is considering joining Spurs in the transfer window.
He was initially impressed with the local hospital facilities and has
heard good things about the St Johns ambulance staff in the ground.


Bang To Rights
Middlesbrough and The FA are unhappy a Newcastle fan who racially abused Egyptian striker Mido has not received a banning order.
The Judge explained 'having a season ticket at Newcastle is punishment enough'.


Calm Down Calm Down
Rafa Benitez has admitted that Liverpool won't win the Premiership this season.
He was forced to admit it after a journalist found his betting slip with 50 grand on Chelsea and kindly returned it to him.

One day later, Benitez backtracked, saying Liverpool have a 80% chance of winnng the Premiership if they are top at Christmas.
Journalists have decided to have a whip round and buy Rafa a calculator
for Christmas..

The Only Way Is Up, Maybe
The incredible rise of Hull City has continued, from the bottom of the Fourth division ten years ago to the top six of the Premiership, inclusing wins over Arsenal and Tottenham and a draw at Anfield.
Manager Phil Brown however was unhappy with FIFA, who have refused to
invite Hull City to the World Club Championship starting this week in Japan..

I Did Not See The League Table Incident
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger still believes his team can win the Premiership after dropping more points in a 1-1 draw with Middlesbrough.
Obviously,for Christmas he is hoping Man United, Chelsea and Liverpool
get the same present (points deduction) as Rotherham, Bournemouth and Luton.

The Chips Are All Right
Former Spurs manager Juane Ramos says the players diet was the reason for the clubs bad start to the season when he was manager.
I suppose now Harry Redknapp is in charge and spurs are off the bottom
of the table, Ramos is back in Spain eating lots of humble pie.


X Marks The Stud Marks
Wayne Rooney's streak of correctly picking the X Factor winner continues.
He's certainly 'stamped' his authority on predicting X Factor winners ...


Unluckiest fan of the Week Award must go to Albert Goolstrap of Twickenham.
Brentford fan Albert regrets leaving the match v Bradford early on Saturday when the score was 0-0. Nipping out in the 85th minute to beat the traffic, he missed goals in the 88th, 89th and 90th minute as his team won 2-1...

You Don't Say?
An anagram of Paul Ince is U Nice Pal...
Plain Cue or Cue L Pain (L stand for Losing?)

Thought of the Day:
If Roy Keane had got the Blackburn job, would he be Roy of The Rovers?