Football Funnies - March 22/23rd 2014

Chelsea 6 Arsenal 0
Chelsea 3-0 up in twenty minutes. Everything they touch turns to goals.

Bad mistake by Andre Marriner. He's off the Christmas Card list of Arsene Wenger, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain AND Kieran Gibbs

So Oxlade-Chamberlain handles the ball, and Gibbs gets sent off. What I've learnt from this incident is that Andre Marriner can't handle the Premier League.

"Andre Marriner (and his team) had a terrible day" This is not news. I called him the worst ref in league 2 back in 2004/5 after his second ever league game - Mansfield v Leyton Orient.

If Andre Marriner can't tell difference between Oxlade-Chamberlain & Gibbs, we should see how he likes it, start calling him Chris Foy or Mark Clattenburg.

Knowing Andre Marriner, if he planned to go to Specsavers, he'd actually turn up at Vision Express instead

Coming soon Andre Marriner's 100 Worst Refereeing Decisions' 2004-2014 presented by Jimmy Carr

Good thing Wenger has another 1,000 games to sort his defence out, and finally get that win against Mourinho #unsackable

Cardiff 3 Liverpool 6
2-2 at half-time but Liverpool run riot in second half. Everything they touch turns to goals.

A Suarez hat-trick, plus 2 from Skrytl and one from Sturridge.
Suarez has 28 from 30 league games - the most EVER in the Premier League after 30 games. If he can keep this up, and not get banned for bitting anyone he could break the all-time season record.

So hows that 'sack Malkay Mackay and bring in Ole Gunnar Scholskar' turning out for Vincent Tann?

Man City 5 Fulham 0 
Congratulations to Fulham, 3 managers, 2 coaches, a partridge in a pear-tree and the first team to be relegated from the Premier League.

Four for Man City in the second half. Everything they touch turns to goals.

Neither Liverpool, Man City or Chelsea will admit they're favourites for the Premier League, so that makes Arsenal odd-on by default

Everton 3 Swansea 2
Has anyone noticed how you never see Gary Monk #swansea and Ricky Wilson #TheVoiceUK in the same room?

12 penalties out of 12 for Leighton Baines in the Premier League. Can he take all five for England in the World Cup this summer? Is it too late to sign to nationalise Yaya Toure?

Has Angel Rangel ever met Gary and Phil Neville's brother Evill Neville?

Hull CIty 2 West Brom 0
So West Brom should never have sold their main striker to Hull in the transfer window, is about the long and the short of it

Newcassle' 1 Crystal Palace 0 (Papa Cisse 90+4)
Papa Cisse, Pardew & Carver, Crystal Palace, hmmm hmmm mmmm, you've gotta have a system...

Is Alan Pardew stadium ban just for Newcassle matches, or can he scout other teams?
He could have gone to Exeter v Fleetwood at the other St James Park.
And oddly enough, Fleetwood play at (the other) Highbury.


Norwich 2 Sunderland 0
Important goal from Snodgrass for Norwich against Sunderland. Lucky for him rejecting Orient back in 2007/8 didn't affect his career


West Ham 0 Man United 2
'Rooney lobs Adrian from the half-way line' doesn't sound as impressive as 'Nayim lobs Seaman' About par with 'Beckham lobs Sullivan'

Last night #MOTD asked which goal from half-way line was better, Beckham or Rooney. No mention of Dean Cox at Walsall?! (last season)

Great assist from noble for Rooney's second goal. Rooney on 300k a week, Noble not even on the payroll. Just good ole' east end hospitality

Russel Brand on Match of The Day? Not a lot of people know, but he used to edit a west ham fanzine called 'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles Wubbles'

Russel Brand brought in to analyse on the Rooney v Beckham half-way line goals for his authority on hair styles and cuts.

Tottenham 3 Southampton 2
Tottenham recover from 2 down to beat Southampton 3-2. After the match Sherwood told press 'anything MK Dons can do, we can do better

Tottenham trailing 0-2, so Tim Sherwood comes down to the bench from his seat in the stands to sort mess out. And make Pardew jealous

Its now Tottenham Desmond Southampton Tutu. Tim has gone back to his seat in the stand. Doesn't know whether he's coming or going

Tottenham (English coach) 3 Southampton (English players) 2 
well if Levy does give Sherwood the push, he deserves a role with Hodgson.

Christian Eriksen revealed manager Tim Sherwood's half-time team talk inspired Spurs to a 3-2 victory over Southampton "Never on the football field of human conflict'...

Tottenham are the zen masters of the Premier League, zero goal difference. Man City are +49, Fulham are minus 40

Are the new fixtures out yet - When is Tim's 1,000th match in charge of #thfc? Is it the early kick-off against Chelsea at the Bridge?

Aston Villa 1 Stoke City 4
bit of a shock result after Villa beat Chelsea last week, mind you they were without Chris Foy today

Mark Hughes says Peter Crouch should get recall to England squad. To be fair he needs a transfer to Southampton to be in with a shout

Aston Villa raise their game against top 4, but fail against lower or same level teams. The exact opposite of Arsenal & Tottenham

Football Funnies (Weekend) October 29th 2000 and Ten...

Footballing Funnies 
October 29th 2000 and 10

Round Up Of The Week
Sunday: Man City 0 Arsenal 3 (Premier League)
Wednesday: Newcastle 0 Arsenal 4 (Carling Cup)
Tomorrow(Saturday) Arsenal 5 West Ham 0 ??
Someone has to do the predictions, now Paul The Octopus has gone! RIP Paul The Octopus...


Paul The Octopus passed away after his summer of glory, predicting 8 World Cup results in a row...
The joke doing the rounds this week was "he didn't see that coming"
On the contrary, he asked for his headstone to mirror Spike Milligans 'I TOLD YOU I WAS ILL'


IF THEY ALL WIN YOU OWE ME ONE
And just for fun... The new Tipster service to replace the Paul..  Eight In A Row...
Arsenal, Fulham, Rangers, Huddersfield, Wycombe, QPR, Ipswich and (Sunday) Aston Villa.
If all 8 win it pays a whopping 68-1 with William Hills. Get in!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Europe

Anything Roo Can Do, Ronny Wants Better (Bank On It)

Christiano Ronaldo found form in a weekend spanish league encounter with 4 goals in the 6-1 rout of Racing Santander.

But how long before his name is linked with a transfer window move to Man City, so his salary can also be hiked up by £100,000 a week?

PSV Eindhoven 10 Feyenoord 0
An embarrassing defeat for former European Cup Winners Feyenoord. Coach Mario Bean said "it was a glum day and because I'm in charge, I feel responsible"

I'm pretty sure the owners will also find him responsible, and pretty soon 'Been' 'Will be 'gone'.

TONY MOWBRAY APPOINTED MIDDLESBROUGH MANAGER
Tony Mowbray told the press conference he aims to get his home town club into the Champions League in '3 to 4 years'

Has The Champions League been expanded to include the Top 40 English sides? Blimey, even Crystal Palace will be in...
 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Until the next time

Trigger
x

 

Football Funnies October 11th 2010

Tottenham v Villa, Liverpool v Blackpool, Leeds v Preston Fulham v Friends and much more...


TOTTENHAM 2 ASTON VILLA 1
Two goals from Rafael Van De Vart, following on from a midweek Champions league goal, paying for himself already.
I suppose that's what you call going Dutch...
Good news for Harry Redknapp, bought himself a new van for £8m in the summer and getting a good miles per gallon return at the moment.
Bad news is Man United are also looking for a new van, and have previous when it comes to Spurs players...
GO FORTH, YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS
The fourth official at Spurs v Villa was Stuart Attwell, many will see this as demotion after allowing a controversial Liverpool goal to stand v Sunderland.
On the plus side, if he was really being punished, the League would have made him 4th official at an Arsenal game, and let him be touched by Arsene Wenger.



Downing Street - Your Having A Laugh
Speaking to the Sun newspaper to promote the new series of The Apprentice, Lord Sugar compared the Lib Dems in Government to Leyton Orient in the Champions League - A fish out of water.
To be fair, Orient struggle in the Johnstone Paint Trophy, the Carling Cup and the FA Cup, let alone the Champions League.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(Lord Sugar story here -
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-11475944)- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

LIVERPOOL 1 BLACKPOOL 2
Liverpools recent form stumbles from awful to worse, from draws with Utrech and Sunderland and penalty defeat to Northampton, now topped by an embarrassing home defeat to prem newcomers Blackpool.
If things get any worse, there only chance of silverware will be in the Johnstone Paint Trophy.
FROM RED FACES TO RED SOCKS
As we prepare this column, news broke of the expected sale of Liverpool from Gillete and Hicks to the owner of the American Red Sox baseball team.
If the deal doesn't go through, ownership could transfer to the Royal Bank of Scotland, who financed the previous takeover.
Either way, Liverpool should come out the other side better off.
I'm sure they'd win more games in the SPL or MLS 
(Scottish Premier League / Major League Soccer)
LIVERPOOL NEEDS TALENT
Jamie Carragher says Liverpool need a big name signing.
Not sure they can afford any more Russian or Ukrainians, perhaps Joe Cole take a leaf out of surnamesake Andrew (nee Andy) Cole's book and call himself Joseph.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
more silly stuff www.tvtrigger.wordpress.com
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

FRIENDLY FOES
Fulham have arranged a number of behind closed door friendlies to help Andrew Johnson regain match fitness.
Someone should tell Mr Fayed that the team can't get points for these games, and it's not a Palace conspiracy against him.

Leeds 4 Preston 6
An amazing match at Elland Road saw Preston come from 4-1 down after 40 minutes to win 6-4.
Of course if Nigel Miller had been reffing the game would have probably finished 4-4.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

F-f-f-f-oooootball - Your 'Aving a Larf... September 18th 2000 and Ten.

This week it's all about managers who don't turn up, and some who do.

FUNNY OLD GAME
Roy Hodgson is refusing to set any targets for his first season in charge of Liverpool.
A wise decision maybe, as former Scouse boss Rafa Benitez GUARANTEED Liverpool would finish in the Top 4 last season, only for them to finish 7th.
Rafa is now at Inter Milan, who ARE in the Champions League this season and in the group stages play last season fourth best Premier League team Tottenham Hotspur.

SACRON BLEUR
THE current French Football Teams Technical Director and occasional Aston Villa manager GERRARD HOULLIER is another man who refuses to get too carried away at press conferences.
He told Villa fans he hopd he would get the team back to a position 'between 6th & 12th in the Premier League.
With ambition like that, it's easy to see how France crashed out of the World Cup in the group stages in South Africa losing To Mexico & Uruguay.

STOKE 2 ASTON VILLA 1
Stoke announced before kick off that manager Tony Pulis would not be at the game due to the death of his mother (he actually arrived on the touchline 4 mins after k/o)
With Gerrard Houllier missing for Villa, this must be the first time a Premier League match has kicked off WITHOUT AN ACTUAL MANAGER.
A Premier League match without a manager?? Maybe it COULD catch on...




GRANT Granted Time Off For Religious Behaviour
Avram Grant has been allowed to miss the forthcoming fixture against Stoke to observe Yom Kippur.
So that's two matches Stoke have played against managerless teams. Perhaps they've been doing their own praying.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

EUROPE

MAN UNITED 0 RANGERS 0Resting 10 players from saturdays game against Everton backfired on Sir Alex Ferguson as they failed to beat Scottish champions Rangers.
In future he'll only rotate that many players against Wolves.


Messi at The MarshesLionel Messi was on Hackney Marshes on wednesday, part of a promotion for a boot sponsor, he also went to Brick Lane but never had a curry.
If only Orient had been able to reschedule the Brentford cup game forward at short notice.
Messi may have graced the La Liga, the World Cup and the Champions league, but it could have been a career highlight for him to have played at Brisbane Road in the JOHNSTONE PAINTS TROPHY.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

They Think It's All fff...football - February 1st 2009

*** Putting *** the *** ffff... fun *** into *** Football ***

February 1^st 2009

Looks like David Beckham's manager/agent Terry Byrne will be heading a consortium to buy Leyton Orient, Goldenballs local club when growing up in Chingford.

Beckham has been in the news already this week with speculation over whether he will return from AC Milan to his $250 million dollar contract at LA Galaxy.

O's Fans (me included) have been hoping for years how we could do with a chairman with realistically 10% of what David Beckham is worth. Now it appears that's exactly what could happen.

Big Talk last weekend was the fact that Robbie Keane never went to the
Liverpool v Everton match after hearing he wasn't in the team. 

Don't worry – he was just picking up Robinho from the airport...  

Fairly Dull Football Fact... 

James Milner has scored at The Stadium of Light for his last three clubs,
Leeds, Newcastle and Aston Villa.   

Credit Crunch News 
Harry Redmouths house in the Sandbanks has lost approximately £2 million in value  because of the credit crunch. 

If things were to get any worse and our favourite Eastend football manager were to be made homeless, Harry should move in with the striker he has spent £24 million on in the last year. Jerman Defoe has increased in value from £9 million to £15 million in 12 months.

Thought of The Day

If Spurs re-sign Robbie Keane and Sol Campbell, to play alongside Jerman Defoe and Pascal Chimbonda, will they change their name to Friends Re-United?   

The Magic of The FA Cup... January 2009

** Putting *** the *** ffff... fun *** into *** Football ***

Newcastle owner Mike Ashley has taken the club off the market after failing to find a buyer after three months...
After a 5-1 home defeat to Liverpool, he'll be lucky if he can give the club away for free...

Stoke player Ricardo Fuller was sent off for slapping his captain Andy Griffin during a 2-1 home defeat to West Ham.
Opposing player Lee Bowyer has described Fuller as the perfect team mate...

Thought of the day:
Tony Adams given a Premiership job after failing at Wycombe...
Is that what is meant by a Sporting Chance?


Spurs footballer crowdsurfs at Kings gigSpurs and England footballer David Bentley crowdsurfs at a Kings of Leon concert.
Typical Spurs, been playing out of position all season...


Thought of the day (2)
If the televised Preston v Liverpool game had been called off after the bad weather, could tv bosses have got a rematch of Steven Gerrard v the Living Lounge DJ to entertain viewers at home?

Player of the weekend: John Nutter (Gillingham) just because...

Thought of the day (3)
Do Gillingham have any supporters called Gill Ingham? (Quick google or facebook it...)

Thought of the day (4)
12 Million quid for Wayne Bridge. Would it have been cheaper to buy the whole of Nottingham Forest? (who knocked City out of the Cup)
It's not all doom and gloom for Mark Hughes. He can now spend more time with the transfer window...

The Magic of the FA Cup:
How comes Aston Villa didn't draw Manchester United (again) this year?

Has John got any brothers or sisters? Nathan Nutter, Natalie Nutter, Uncle? Norris Nutter...

Everyone is talking about the FA Cup draw and looking forward to Everton v Liverpool.
Personally I was looking forward to Macclesfield v Preston.

And finally...
Congratulations to Hartlepool! 55 seconds on ITV highlights!

*** Putting *** the *** ffff... fun *** into *** Football ***