Football Funnies - March 22/23rd 2014

Chelsea 6 Arsenal 0
Chelsea 3-0 up in twenty minutes. Everything they touch turns to goals.

Bad mistake by Andre Marriner. He's off the Christmas Card list of Arsene Wenger, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain AND Kieran Gibbs

So Oxlade-Chamberlain handles the ball, and Gibbs gets sent off. What I've learnt from this incident is that Andre Marriner can't handle the Premier League.

"Andre Marriner (and his team) had a terrible day" This is not news. I called him the worst ref in league 2 back in 2004/5 after his second ever league game - Mansfield v Leyton Orient.

If Andre Marriner can't tell difference between Oxlade-Chamberlain & Gibbs, we should see how he likes it, start calling him Chris Foy or Mark Clattenburg.

Knowing Andre Marriner, if he planned to go to Specsavers, he'd actually turn up at Vision Express instead

Coming soon Andre Marriner's 100 Worst Refereeing Decisions' 2004-2014 presented by Jimmy Carr

Good thing Wenger has another 1,000 games to sort his defence out, and finally get that win against Mourinho #unsackable

Cardiff 3 Liverpool 6
2-2 at half-time but Liverpool run riot in second half. Everything they touch turns to goals.

A Suarez hat-trick, plus 2 from Skrytl and one from Sturridge.
Suarez has 28 from 30 league games - the most EVER in the Premier League after 30 games. If he can keep this up, and not get banned for bitting anyone he could break the all-time season record.

So hows that 'sack Malkay Mackay and bring in Ole Gunnar Scholskar' turning out for Vincent Tann?

Man City 5 Fulham 0 
Congratulations to Fulham, 3 managers, 2 coaches, a partridge in a pear-tree and the first team to be relegated from the Premier League.

Four for Man City in the second half. Everything they touch turns to goals.

Neither Liverpool, Man City or Chelsea will admit they're favourites for the Premier League, so that makes Arsenal odd-on by default

Everton 3 Swansea 2
Has anyone noticed how you never see Gary Monk #swansea and Ricky Wilson #TheVoiceUK in the same room?

12 penalties out of 12 for Leighton Baines in the Premier League. Can he take all five for England in the World Cup this summer? Is it too late to sign to nationalise Yaya Toure?

Has Angel Rangel ever met Gary and Phil Neville's brother Evill Neville?

Hull CIty 2 West Brom 0
So West Brom should never have sold their main striker to Hull in the transfer window, is about the long and the short of it

Newcassle' 1 Crystal Palace 0 (Papa Cisse 90+4)
Papa Cisse, Pardew & Carver, Crystal Palace, hmmm hmmm mmmm, you've gotta have a system...

Is Alan Pardew stadium ban just for Newcassle matches, or can he scout other teams?
He could have gone to Exeter v Fleetwood at the other St James Park.
And oddly enough, Fleetwood play at (the other) Highbury.


Norwich 2 Sunderland 0
Important goal from Snodgrass for Norwich against Sunderland. Lucky for him rejecting Orient back in 2007/8 didn't affect his career


West Ham 0 Man United 2
'Rooney lobs Adrian from the half-way line' doesn't sound as impressive as 'Nayim lobs Seaman' About par with 'Beckham lobs Sullivan'

Last night #MOTD asked which goal from half-way line was better, Beckham or Rooney. No mention of Dean Cox at Walsall?! (last season)

Great assist from noble for Rooney's second goal. Rooney on 300k a week, Noble not even on the payroll. Just good ole' east end hospitality

Russel Brand on Match of The Day? Not a lot of people know, but he used to edit a west ham fanzine called 'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles Wubbles'

Russel Brand brought in to analyse on the Rooney v Beckham half-way line goals for his authority on hair styles and cuts.

Tottenham 3 Southampton 2
Tottenham recover from 2 down to beat Southampton 3-2. After the match Sherwood told press 'anything MK Dons can do, we can do better

Tottenham trailing 0-2, so Tim Sherwood comes down to the bench from his seat in the stands to sort mess out. And make Pardew jealous

Its now Tottenham Desmond Southampton Tutu. Tim has gone back to his seat in the stand. Doesn't know whether he's coming or going

Tottenham (English coach) 3 Southampton (English players) 2 
well if Levy does give Sherwood the push, he deserves a role with Hodgson.

Christian Eriksen revealed manager Tim Sherwood's half-time team talk inspired Spurs to a 3-2 victory over Southampton "Never on the football field of human conflict'...

Tottenham are the zen masters of the Premier League, zero goal difference. Man City are +49, Fulham are minus 40

Are the new fixtures out yet - When is Tim's 1,000th match in charge of #thfc? Is it the early kick-off against Chelsea at the Bridge?

Aston Villa 1 Stoke City 4
bit of a shock result after Villa beat Chelsea last week, mind you they were without Chris Foy today

Mark Hughes says Peter Crouch should get recall to England squad. To be fair he needs a transfer to Southampton to be in with a shout

Aston Villa raise their game against top 4, but fail against lower or same level teams. The exact opposite of Arsenal & Tottenham

Football Funnies (Weekend) October 29th 2000 and Ten...

Footballing Funnies 
October 29th 2000 and 10

Round Up Of The Week
Sunday: Man City 0 Arsenal 3 (Premier League)
Wednesday: Newcastle 0 Arsenal 4 (Carling Cup)
Tomorrow(Saturday) Arsenal 5 West Ham 0 ??
Someone has to do the predictions, now Paul The Octopus has gone! RIP Paul The Octopus...


Paul The Octopus passed away after his summer of glory, predicting 8 World Cup results in a row...
The joke doing the rounds this week was "he didn't see that coming"
On the contrary, he asked for his headstone to mirror Spike Milligans 'I TOLD YOU I WAS ILL'


IF THEY ALL WIN YOU OWE ME ONE
And just for fun... The new Tipster service to replace the Paul..  Eight In A Row...
Arsenal, Fulham, Rangers, Huddersfield, Wycombe, QPR, Ipswich and (Sunday) Aston Villa.
If all 8 win it pays a whopping 68-1 with William Hills. Get in!!
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Europe

Anything Roo Can Do, Ronny Wants Better (Bank On It)

Christiano Ronaldo found form in a weekend spanish league encounter with 4 goals in the 6-1 rout of Racing Santander.

But how long before his name is linked with a transfer window move to Man City, so his salary can also be hiked up by £100,000 a week?

PSV Eindhoven 10 Feyenoord 0
An embarrassing defeat for former European Cup Winners Feyenoord. Coach Mario Bean said "it was a glum day and because I'm in charge, I feel responsible"

I'm pretty sure the owners will also find him responsible, and pretty soon 'Been' 'Will be 'gone'.

TONY MOWBRAY APPOINTED MIDDLESBROUGH MANAGER
Tony Mowbray told the press conference he aims to get his home town club into the Champions League in '3 to 4 years'

Has The Champions League been expanded to include the Top 40 English sides? Blimey, even Crystal Palace will be in...
 

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Until the next time

Trigger
x

 

They Think It's All fff...football - February 1st 2009

*** Putting *** the *** ffff... fun *** into *** Football ***

February 1^st 2009

Looks like David Beckham's manager/agent Terry Byrne will be heading a consortium to buy Leyton Orient, Goldenballs local club when growing up in Chingford.

Beckham has been in the news already this week with speculation over whether he will return from AC Milan to his $250 million dollar contract at LA Galaxy.

O's Fans (me included) have been hoping for years how we could do with a chairman with realistically 10% of what David Beckham is worth. Now it appears that's exactly what could happen.

Big Talk last weekend was the fact that Robbie Keane never went to the
Liverpool v Everton match after hearing he wasn't in the team. 

Don't worry – he was just picking up Robinho from the airport...  

Fairly Dull Football Fact... 

James Milner has scored at The Stadium of Light for his last three clubs,
Leeds, Newcastle and Aston Villa.   

Credit Crunch News 
Harry Redmouths house in the Sandbanks has lost approximately £2 million in value  because of the credit crunch. 

If things were to get any worse and our favourite Eastend football manager were to be made homeless, Harry should move in with the striker he has spent £24 million on in the last year. Jerman Defoe has increased in value from £9 million to £15 million in 12 months.

Thought of The Day

If Spurs re-sign Robbie Keane and Sol Campbell, to play alongside Jerman Defoe and Pascal Chimbonda, will they change their name to Friends Re-United?   

They Think It All Ffffffffooooooooootballl Jan 17th 2009

The FA have announced they will reopen the investigation into the West Ham Carlos Jackall ownership affair from two years ago...
IN related news, FIFA have said they'll have another look at the 1966 World Cup Final goal...


After Rafa Benitez allegations against Sir Alex last Friday, Liverpool directors have called a board meeting to discuss his future
.A) Ranting to journalists at press conferences...
B) Outbursts against Sir Fergie...
Looks like he'll be the next manager of Newcastle then...


And talking of Change...
If Barry Hearn wants to replace Martin Ling as manager of Orient, should he look in the Exchange The Mart?
And do Orient sign their new players from 'Dalston Weekly'?

Kevin Pieterson has resigned as England cricket captain.
What is it about the name Kevin that causes people to walk away from the sports biggest job for their country? (or England in Pietersons case) I'd love it, absolutely love it, to know why.


Rafa Benitez says that Sir Alex Ferguson should be allowed to arrange the fixtures to his liking, and Fergie hasn't spoke to the BBC for years after the expose of his son on Panaroma...
Why don't we have a saturday night phone vote show, where everybody can pick Uniteds next opponents. Fergie, the new Simon Cowell and Lord Webber roled into one...


How much???
Kaka famously wore a t-shirt after the AC Milan-Liverpool Champions League Final “I Become To Jesus”
Carlso Tevez used to wear a t-shirt “I belong to Kia Joorabchian”

Tom Cruise is asking David Beckham to wear a t-shirt “I Belong to Scientology”

An unnamed premier league footballer lost £1 million on a night out at a casino.
Cue begging letters to Kaka at Man City...


Effendim?In Turkish, I'm told, kaka means s**t.
If Man City want to spend £100 million in s**t, they should re-sign Ben Thatcher...
Kaka's real name is... Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite
His brother gave him the nickname Kaka...

Whats your brazillian football name?
http://www.minimalsworld.net/BrazilName/brazilian.shtml
Until next time - Merraldo (No.4)

Transfer Window Special

*** Putting *** the *** ffff... fun *** into *** Football ***

Manchester City (that's the one in blue) are prepared to pay £100 million for Brazillian ace Kaka.
Couldn't they buy the whole of Brazil for £100 million?

Spurs have resigned Jermaine Defoe, paying £15 million for him, a year
after selling him for £9 million.
Expect Robbie Keane to arrive back at the Lane in July for £26 million...

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has attempted to pull off the transfer window coup of the season, with the signing of daughter-in-law Louise Redknapp.
Canny Harry reckons the former FHM Sexiest Women In The World Winner taking to the pitch every fortnight (mainly sundays) is the only way spurs will fill their new 60,000 planned seater stadium every week.

Tottenham have also been linked with a move for Stewart Downing for 15 million from Middlesbrough.
Down down deeper and down... (Bent, Bentley and Bendtner??)

According to the sun newspaper Rochdale are the first club in the UK to serve kebab inside the ground.
The club denied speculation they will be attempting to sign Colin Kazim Richards, Tugay and Tuncay, (from Fenerbahce, Blackburn and Middlesbrough) in the transfer window...

Contract talks between Manchester United and Carlos Tevez have turned ugly...
No, hang on a minute, that's just a photo of Carlos Tevez...


Jermaine Pennant has priced himself out of a dream move to Real Madrid by asking for too much wages...
Perhaps he was concerned his ankle tag wouldn't work in Spain...


Thought of the Day
If Tony Adams gets the sack at Portsmouth, will he have more time to help Gazza kick the booze?

Fug on the tyne...
Shay Givens solicitor says the Newcastle goalkeeper would like to move to a different club.
Joe Kinnear says this is not true.
Actually Joe Kinnear is thinking f*****g B*****d c**t. **** **** a**o b*****ks