April Fool?

Rihanna has denied she is in a relationship with Ashton Kutcher
She just popped to his house at midnight (leaving at 4am) to borrow an umber-rella ella ella...

Demi is cut up about the alleged relationship between Riri and Ashton.
She told friends "I cant take any Moore"

Footy Funnies Christmas Eve 2000 and Ten

Footy Funnies Christmas Eve 2000 and Ten

Premier League Review

Man City 1 Everton 2
Defeat cost City top spot at Xmas, but good news is Tevez withdrew his transfer request.
I hear if Fergie had re-signed him for United, they were planning a big WELCOME TO MANCHESTER billboard at the Arndale.


Chelsea v Man United Postponed - due to snow and dangerous traffic.
This was a big inconvenience for United fans. Some had travelled from as far as West Ealing.


The Tea Cups Follow The Trawler
United confirmed this week that Sir Alex Ferguson overtook Matt Busby as the clubs longest serving manager.
It's been good times for Manchester suppliers of tea cups, hairdryers and chewing gum. And London based United fans.


Blackburn 1 West Ham 1 - Unlucky for Some
A draw at Ewood Park sent West Ham into Christmas bottom of the Premier League on just 13 points.
Highlight of the day was a debut for Hammers keeper Ruud Boffin, with a curtains haircut not seen in the Premier League since Ian Walker at Spurs and Leicester.
When your goalkeeper for West Ham, a closed pair of curtains in front of your eyes is the last thing you need...(Although it's a handy excuse that Rob Green might want to adopt...)


Clucking Hell
Big Sam Allardyce reckons someone at Blackburn put in a few bad words about him to the owners, hence his sacking.
Maybe someone just showed 'em a copy of his interview stating he wanted to manage Real Madrid instead.

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WORLD CLUB CUP, SPL, Sports Personality of The Year

Jockeying For Centre Stage
David Beckham was given a Life Time Achievement award by the BBC at the annual Sports Personality of the Year Event.
In related news, AP McKoy won Minor Sorts Personality of The Year.


Inter Milan 3 TP Mezembe 0
Winnign the World Club Cup wasn't enough to save Rafa Benitez from the sack after publicy asking the chairman to bring in new signings or sack him.
I think Rafa regretted his outburst - shortly after he ran into the Mezembe dressing room shouting at the top of his broken english voice - "CAN WE PLAY YOU EVERY WEEK"

Motherwell 1 Hearts 2
An investigation was called into irreegular betting patterns on this game as large amounts were placed in the Liverpool area on a player being sent off - and Liverpool born Alex jennings was subseqently sent off...
I suppose it makes a change from burgling Stevie G's house while the reds are playing midweek games.
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(Football) Seasons greetings to you all
Until the next time
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Footy Funnies December 15th 2010 - FA CUP SPECIAL

In honour of the most amazing FA Cup match EVER, it's eight gags about Leyton Orient v Droylsden.




ORIENT ROUND-UP
Leyton Orient P Carlisle P
According to the pools panel this was a home win, but the league table hasn't added the three points to Orient.
Honestly, sometimes I think the Football League is more corrupt than FIFA.

(1) Leyton Orient 8 Droylesden 2 FA Cup 2nd Rounds Replay AET
Orient cruised through to the third round of the FA Cup after trailing 2-0 to non-league Droylesden after 77 minutes.
Even more amazing they managed to do it without a 13 minute hat-trick from Matthew Lockwood.

(2) Orient scored six goals in 30 minutes of extra-time, a record for the FA Cup, with Jonathan Tehoue and Scott McGleish both scoring hat-tricks.
The last time two Orient players scored 3 each was a training session against sunday league pub team Birkbeck Orient.

(3) A NIGHT OF RECORDS, REDS  AND 'RITHMATIC

If ten goals wasn't enough excitement, there were five sending-offs, including the Droylesden manager Dave Pace.
Perhaps Droylesden will do better in the annual 5 a side indoor Manchester Masters Event. Only four more off.

(4) Considering the O's have previously lost to non-league Margate, Enfield and Hendon in the Cup, being 2-0 down after 77 minutes was no surprise and some fans left early.
They missed 8 goals in 43 minutes, but they were back home in time to see Frankie Boyle's Tramadol Nights gag about Katie Price and her son Harvey.


(5) ORIENT PUT THE '8 INTO GREAT
Orient have scored 8 in a match three other times since 1988 against Colchester, Rochdale and Doncaster.
Droylesen must be wishing the referee had been Nigel Miller, famous for missing clear Orient goals...

(6) ORIENT TRENDY ONCE IN A LIFETIME
Orient were trending on Twitter in the top ten subjects being talked about for the first, and probably last time.
In fact, it's the first time since the invention of the internet the O's have been in the Top Ten of anything.
With the exception of lowest attendances, worst burgers and ground with flats on the corner of each side.

(7) The first Droylsden v Orient match was televised live on ESPN on a Monday night
Most neutrals were watching Sky Sports though, where Barcelona thrashed Real Madrid 5-0.
If only Orient matches were as predictable as Russia World Cup bids...


(8) THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED
The Orient v Droylesden replay wasn't televised as it clashed with Champions League fixtures.
After Madrid's 5-0 defeat at Barca, Alan Sugar's repeated his comments on Jose Mourinhio.
"The Special One? I'd like to see how he'd do at Leyton Orient with no money"
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And just incase you missed the goals... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5GuUG9mTtA

Until the next time
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* We apologise for ther many incorrect spellings of Droylsden in thsi article... Life is too short.

Football Funnies - Dec 11th... 2010

Footy Funnies - Dec 11th... 2010

CARLING CUP

2018 WORLD CUP

PREMIER LEAGUE FOCUS

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CARLING CUP

West Ham 4 Man United 0Can't believe no-one used the headline "SPECTOR SPECTACULAR, UNITED SPECTATORS"
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2018 WORLD CUP BID

The 2018 World Cup will be played in...

(DRAMATIC PAUSE - opens envelope)... Russia
The England bid sent David Cameron, David Beckham and Prince William to impress Sepp Blatter and his cronies.
But we know Blatter likes the ladies, he suggested womens football should be played in skin-tight kits.
We should have sent Thatcher, Posh Spice and Lady Diana's corpse...



CANT COUNT WON'T COUNT
England crashed Out in first round of voting, despite being promised votes from many FIFA officials
The only consolation was there was no penalty shoot outs and no disallowed goals that crossed the line. (I knew they should have took Theo Walcott)


BID IT LIKE BECKHAM
This was David Beckham's last chance to win a World Cup.
And this time he didn't even get a chance to back heel an Argie and get sent off.


PUSH THE BUTTON
I personally think Russia winning could be a good thing...
We won't have a big bang nuclear trident to worry about for the next eight years...
While they have still have nuclear weapons, can we let them host EVERY WORLD CUP?

FROM RUSSIA WITH CASH
And congratulations must go to Roman Abramovitch, who was a backer of the Russian bid
About time he saw one of his teams win a major international competition.

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PREMIER LEAGUE FOCUS
AHA - Chris Hughton Out - Alan Pardew In
Can someone please explain how a manager gets sacked from Southampton in the Third Division in August and appointed in the Premier League in December.
At this rate, Roy Keane will be sacked by Ipswich this week and turn up managing Ajax or Real Madrid in February or April.

Newcastle v Liverpool
This week saw Newcastle grab their title back from Liverpool as the biggest joke in the premier league.
Now they just have to prove it on the pitch.
Tottenham v Chelsea
For the first time since Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, Spurs go into a clash with Chelsea in better form.
I wonder if Abramovitch would give up Russia's winning world cup bid in exchange for Gareth Bale at Stamford Bridge?


Man United v Arsenal
Patrice Evra told the press that Arsenal will win nothing with their team of kids.
Well that's Arsene Wengers team talk done for him.

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Until the next time
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Football Funnies November 1st-12th 2000 and Ten...

Football Fortnight of Funnies
November 1st-13th 2000 and Ten...
 
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Man United 2 Tottenham Hotspur 0
Harry Redknapp had threatened to stop speaking to the media if he's fined for his outburst at referee Mark Clattenburg for Nani's controversial second goal.
Happy Harry lost for words?? I'm temporarily lost for words myself about that.



Tottenham 3 Inter Milan 1

Another inspired performance from Gareth Bale saw Spurs turn the European Champions into the 'Chumpions'.
If only Rafa Benitez had concentrated on putting a dossier together on Bale instead of Roy Hodgeson, he might have got something from this game...



Bolton 4 Tottenham Hotspur 2
Tottenham were brought down to earth by Kevin Davies and co in their return to premier league football
I thought the Lord Mayors Show was THIS Saturday (13th) in London, not last week at the Reebok??


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Shakhtar Donuts 2 Arsenal 1
Arsene Wenger has appealed the result as both goals were scored by Arsenal connections  - an own goal by Craig Eastmond and former Highbury hero Edu.


ARSENE PLAYING AWAY IN EUROPE
Weekend newspapers were full of stories about the Arsenal manager romancing a younger woman in France
Wenger refused to comment on the story, the reason being he didn't see the article's...



ARSENAL 0 NEWCASTLE 1
Newcastle gained revenge for their recent 4-0 defeat in the Carling Cup with this win at the Emirates.
Newcastle won in London?? The same Newcastle that lost 6-1 at Brisbane Road recently??...

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CHELSEA 4 BAYERN MUNICH 0
This reserve team match was notable for assistant manager Ray Wilkins being SACKED at half-time...
HALF TIME?? Have Chelsea taken John Sitton on as coaching consultant??

Frankly Speaking
Frank Lampard is expected to be out for another two weeks after initially hoping to be back against Liverpool.
He's not actually fit, but he might return earlier, just to get out of the house and listening to Christine Bleakley going on about how bad the DAYBREAK viewing figures are...


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Wolves 2 Man City 1
Kolo Toure - £220,000 a week and he's allowed to go home at half-time to beat the traffic -
imagine his salary if he stayed for the whole game.

Reinforcements Needed At Anfield
Now the ownership problems are resolved, manager Roy Hodgeson needs to sign some strikers to give him back up, rather than playing Babel and Kuyt out of position.
What are Robbie Fowler and Ian Rush upto nowadays? (don't mention Emile Heskey or Michael Ow..)


BRUM DERBY DEAL
An Aston Villa fan was thrown out of the game v Birmingham for heading the ball back into play.
THROWN OUT?! On current form Gerrard Houllier should have put him in the first team (instead of Emile Heskey?)

EDGAR AND OUT
Edgar Davids has left Crystal Palace after featuring in just 7 games since joining the South Londoners.
He obviously wasn't looking forward to playing in League One next season...
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AND FINALLY - Thought Of The Day...
It's time to bite the bullet, we already lost the services of Ryan Giggs, if we merge the England and Wales football team like we have done with the cricket, then we get Gareth Bale wearing the THREE LIONS (or Dragons, as long as he's on our side)

Enjoy the Game
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Football Funnies (Weekend) October 29th 2000 and Ten...

Footballing Funnies 
October 29th 2000 and 10

Round Up Of The Week
Sunday: Man City 0 Arsenal 3 (Premier League)
Wednesday: Newcastle 0 Arsenal 4 (Carling Cup)
Tomorrow(Saturday) Arsenal 5 West Ham 0 ??
Someone has to do the predictions, now Paul The Octopus has gone! RIP Paul The Octopus...


Paul The Octopus passed away after his summer of glory, predicting 8 World Cup results in a row...
The joke doing the rounds this week was "he didn't see that coming"
On the contrary, he asked for his headstone to mirror Spike Milligans 'I TOLD YOU I WAS ILL'


IF THEY ALL WIN YOU OWE ME ONE
And just for fun... The new Tipster service to replace the Paul..  Eight In A Row...
Arsenal, Fulham, Rangers, Huddersfield, Wycombe, QPR, Ipswich and (Sunday) Aston Villa.
If all 8 win it pays a whopping 68-1 with William Hills. Get in!!
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Europe

Anything Roo Can Do, Ronny Wants Better (Bank On It)

Christiano Ronaldo found form in a weekend spanish league encounter with 4 goals in the 6-1 rout of Racing Santander.

But how long before his name is linked with a transfer window move to Man City, so his salary can also be hiked up by £100,000 a week?

PSV Eindhoven 10 Feyenoord 0
An embarrassing defeat for former European Cup Winners Feyenoord. Coach Mario Bean said "it was a glum day and because I'm in charge, I feel responsible"

I'm pretty sure the owners will also find him responsible, and pretty soon 'Been' 'Will be 'gone'.

TONY MOWBRAY APPOINTED MIDDLESBROUGH MANAGER
Tony Mowbray told the press conference he aims to get his home town club into the Champions League in '3 to 4 years'

Has The Champions League been expanded to include the Top 40 English sides? Blimey, even Crystal Palace will be in...
 

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Until the next time

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Football Funnies (Midweek) October 24th-30th 2000 and ten

Football Funnies (Midweek)

October 24th-29th 2000 and ten

Weekend Round Up Carlisle 3 Charlton 4
Preston 4 Crystal Palace 3
Rotherham 3 Wycombe 4
Chesterfield 4 Shrewsbury 3

Inter Milan 4 Tottenham 3
Who said Three is the magic number?
DID YOU KNOW - Part 1Chesterfield 4 Shrewsbury 3 - The attendance at this seven goal thriller was 7,777

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 Rooney - The AftermathIf Rooney wants to dictate the team and new signings, why doesn't he buy Portsmouth?

Man United The Butt of The Stokes

Credit to the Stoke fans for their banterous chants in Sundays game against United.

3. Your s***, even Rooney says!

2."you've been robbed by a Scouser"

1."Rooney's right your team is ****".

Perhaps we should get Stoke fans to write our next Eurovision entry with Justin Lee Collins...

Will Sir Rolex start talking to the BBC again, to save the possible £25,000 per game fine (by the Premier League) towards Rooneys wages?
 

Letters of Complaint to Nostradamus c/o The Mail On Sunday
Piers Morgan uses his sunday newspaper column to say Alex Fergusons days at Old Trafford are numbered after the Rooney transfer debacle.
That's a bold statement from The Arsenal biased supporting journo on a football manager who is nearly 70 years old... 

Thought Of The Day

If Sir Alex Ferguson cuts out travelling to pointless friendlies, Champions League Away ties and Scunthorpe, he could easily manage Man United until he is 101.

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Premier League

Man City 0 Arsenal 3

They've got no Kaka, They've got no Rooney, Man City for Champions - You must be a loony!

West Brom 2 Fulham 1

Fulham took to the pitch in a new 'Harrods Green' third kit in honour of Mohammed Al Fayad's former corner shop.

I wonder if the next step will be the paint the grass red so the players will see each other?
What Would Rafa Benitez Say? (Or Guarantee)

Well done to West brom. Their win over Harrods Green Fulham, followed by win at Arsenal and point at Old Trafford saw them take fourth spot in the Premiership,

on course for a Champions League qualifer away to Braga next August.

They shouldn't be complacent however. In two weeks time if West Brom slip up, the top Four Could easily be Chelsea, Sunderland, Bolton and Newcastle.

That's all  until the weekend

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